What to do if my husband never wants to do anything with me because of mental illness? Its so frustrating and can make you feel really lonely. Me too. For nearly twenty five years before the affair he had a very traditional marriage, by both of our choices. When you think about it, it makes sense. They are selfishly seeking attention, with NO intention of giving up their real relationship. He goes to bed whenever he wants and gets up whenever he wants. I need to get that back, John and chiff, I need to start feeling good about myself again. This includes the time during and for months after, the affair. Actually.. You might feel like youre not good enough or that hes finding someone else to replace you. But some expectations. I can see how my h would prefer to forget. It can often take the form of giving you the silent treatment . I'd go with an ultimatum: remind him you're not his servant, nor a . Once he achieves them, youll have plenty of quality time together. Oh bless you it really does sound very similar.. to the poster who suggested getting others involved, without going into too much detail I did just that. Now he is going away on a friend's five-day stag trip. Oh, one more thing. I couldnt say it better EG. I had a saying Lose the battle, win the war. Meaning the final outcome is in your favor cause you are done with them ! Make your moments together count. On my birthday . While it IS true that there is not a marriage on this planet that could not benefit from better communication, increased date nights and focus on each other as a couple, etc, feel free to add your wants and needs.Cheating is WRONG. Something along the lines of, well if he was happy he wouldnt be with me. My ex made out very well during the pre-trial. We both are. Donna, he may indeed suffer from depression. Feminize me, fuck me, and make me yours. Yes, this is selfish behavior but we ALL have our emotional limits. Fcol, its very tiresome, I guess we just have to focus on our h losing their way and were not strong enough to see their way clearly. Yup, I no longer want all the responsibility of doing it all, anymore. Because he is home 24/7 the bills have increased. My own personal sob story 20 years ago was that my husband was an alcoholic, and that he was physically abusive to me. I have even pointed a few of these things out to my husband, and said.gee, what would you have done if I acted/spoke like THAT? It's like having a toddler. And not much of it was very good at all. Particularly in a long term relationship. Whether she values what she has or not I know her friends and coworkers are jealous when they stair at me like a piece of meat-haha. You deserve to have a marriage that doesnt just survive - it thrives! I cant help but ask myself is it worth it? Real boyfriends take their girlfriends out on dates. Then, really invite your husband to share his experience of what's been happening in the marriage. unless he goes to work doesnt want to go out at all but will sometimes . My parents were recent ly deceased, I had no money cause he would not work, and no where to go. What do you do when your spouse doesnt want to spend any free time with you? This is not what God intended for marriageat all. You know it has nothing to do with looks. For example, suppose hes always putting his buddies before you or bailing on plans because hed rather do something else. So making comments and getting feedback really helps me. Egos dont care what the external package looks like. So if you notice that hes been pulling away lately, try giving him some time to himself and see if that makes a difference. Its his wifes fault for not meeting her husbands needs. f. I can and will choose PEACE for my life. If anyone thinks they were lured, or tricked, or coerced, or anything else into cheating on your spouse then there is an issue. Its from Donna: I so agree..I had supported my husband for years while he went to school. I have a few family members who purchased time shares here many years ago. Tell them, openly and honestly, how important travel is to you. If your spouse feels like youre always trying to get him to do things or constantly talking to him, it can be tough to want to spend time with you. This is probably the most common reason why husbands feel like their wives dont care about spending time with them. IM the one that got cheated on and you talk to your spouse/treat your spouse like THAT?? I loved that. I know the signs now, I know his tells when something is up. She got to screw another guy for 2 years and I was now bending over backwards trying to make her happywth? Make sure . Of course my sister feels that he is getting exactly what he deserved, put himself in that position, etc. I dont really think badly of my husband. These images sum it up perfectly. Remember what the marriage vows say? No, no one wins we just keeping moving forward. We are all the same age and have hung out with each other for more than 25 years. My husband I really never really used to go anywhere much due to work so we never really thought a time share would benefit us. I shortly thereafter met Josh (he was actually my roommate!) OMG my husband would think he had died and gone to heaven, LOL. You words ring true, I have read it so many times in the hundreds of relationship books, when a person invests in a relationship the relationship is important to them and will do everything to preserve it. Prior to having children, we had an active social life. " If dat new guy don't stop follin wit ma girl, ahm gon put a gree gree on him ." Create an account to follow your favorite communities and start taking part in conversations. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. Im sure my husbands girl friend was skinny and she really does think she is superior based on that. To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account. Before we got married, he kept himself clean. And yes, if they were that unhappy they should grow up, admit to it, and get a divorce. No matter how much our friends love each other and they do they are not immune to boredom. It may be kind of obscure sometimes but its there. And he had better think about how to mentally gird himself and decide how to react calmly to it. Your husband may be experiencing depression and you may want to invite him to take a depression test on-line. Absolutely NOT ! he will drive an hour to see her for 20 min and goes out fo coffee and to movies, etc. 3. Now, us men stood there and talked about the normal stuffsports, work, kids and yes, one of the other guys did do just a little wife-bashing. I say. Travelling alone is a whole new experience and in my experience, you meet people wherever you go. And Im but judging her about this, Im just commenting on it. If this is a recent development, you may be wondering what went wrong and how to fix it. Maybe he just shows his affection in other ways? Too painful and once I would start I wouldnt know where to stop! It is possible your husband could be having a physical, sexual affair with another woman or possibly an emotional. So as a reward for trying to keep my marriage together I get to work harder than ever on our relationship while my character and personality is constantly on trial. When he does help out he acts like invented electricity. She understands several crucial retirement principles for marriage that I want you to adopt. Easier to blame me. Over time I discovered that her POSOM didnt spend a dime on herexcept for cheap hotel rooms. Told me why now when he doesnt care. What do I do? Absolutely 100%. For ME, the absolute foundation of monogamy is my commitment to that very principle. The lack of confidence was not about my career or who I was outside of our marriage. The day-to-day grind of work, errands, and childcare can make it hard to find time for each other, and you conclude: My husband doesn t like spending time with my family and me. This is especially true if you have different schedules or live in other places. If youve gained a lot of weight, let your hair go gray, or stopped caring about your appearance, its possible your husband no longer finds you attractive. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts, am I the asshole? I found a good website on CPTSD, called Strength to Heal, I think. If he has been married before he doesnot see the need to impress again. I WON! I hope that eventually you can look back on your marriage and not look at it as wasted time. We have a son who lives in Australia and he would not even go see him. True. Like threatening to kill my cats, destroying my property, etc. Just wanted to let you know I understand what youre going through, youre not alone! IMHO. He claims it's his depression stopping him from wanting to do anything, but the problem is when he has his mind set on going or doing something he'll do it. Talking to one other and making an effort is key to a long-lasting relationship. I'll want to go somewhere or do something and he tells me he doesn't want to go or do whatever it may be. I even wrote a comment to that effect not long ago. This can be difficult to navigate, but dont worry were here to help! Where is the feeling that what I have devoted the last THIRTY years of my life to, has mattered? My husband did, I did, my affair partner did, my husbands affair partner did, every body who ever cheated did, lol. That too is wrong. Stupid. 2010-2019 Emotional Affair Journey. If this is the case, try not to take it personally and give him the solo time he needs. 6. she willingly goes to counseling but I dont think think she puts much effort towards repairing our marriage. If friends tend to be the parents of our kids teammates, school friends, etc. he had an emotional affair a few years ago and I have had a hard time forgiving him but I do not let him know this. He will not permit me to go out with friends or anywhere even the grocery store without his being with me. I agree with you. In the midst of the fog, they can do no wrong, probably a fair way out of the fog too, before things start showing themselves for what it really was. Depression and anxiety are both exhausting illnesses, so you must take care of yourself. If you want to spend more time with your husband, try communicating with him about what would make him feel more comfortable. The stupid tart would call him every time he saw her and say are you ok, dont let your wife get to you, this is how you talk to her. I am with him 24/7 365 and at 65 I have become his parent. Worse, I let others judge that for me. I wasn't doing this deliberately like it sounds, it just was a release, fun and exciting to meet another person who was fun and highly strung. ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Rachel, hes not winning or in control. by Christy Cox for Divorced Moms. Its my own sort of therapy to keep myself outta trouble. If you can make him feel appreciated, hell spend time with you. If you two never go out anywhere together, then I would say that he's using you for sex (or hopes to soon). Admitting that, its natural if you have those sentiments and are furious at him. It will always throw things twenty steps back. Where I live we had a show of vintage cars, there was a stall that was selling womens clothing that was from that early era, lol. Its in cases just like this that many people turn to infidelity in an ill-fated attempt to solve their boredom (or some other) problem. Encourage and compliment your spouse. Cheated twice? But if you strongly believe: My husband doesn t like spending time with my family and me, it might not be personal. Doug, Linda, anyone elseone topic I would love to see discussed: how do you handle ti when the topic of affairs comes up in discussion with friends, etc. Your boys sound wonderful, and your husband is an idiot. Just not appropriate to do so with anyone else. Even if youre not trying to ignore him, busyness can create an emotional barrier. Speak with your doctor about whether you even have anything to disclose at this point. Discover the 10 Most Important Lessons about Surviving Infidelity, Most of the Time My Husband Doesnt Want to do Sh*t, No Such Thing As TMI The Importance of Full Disclosure After You Have Had an Affair, Affair Recovery Moving On After Infidelity, Taking Inventory: A New Approach to the New Year & A Betrayed Spouses Bill of Rights, Follow our journey as we save our marriage after an emotional affair, Terms of Service/Privacy Policy/Affiliate Disclosure. It is now scheduled for this Thursday . Compliment him on things he does well, and express gratitude for you. Two years ago he was an ER physician, today he spent 10 minutes trying to figure out how to open the refrigerator. I am 62 and he is 70, maybe its his age. Plus, itll give you some time to pursue your own interests instead of thinking for hours: My husband never wants to do anything with me.. i just have to keep telling myself to quit obsessing over her happiness and to just do my own thing and invite her along for the ride. Everywhere you look there are things telling us how to be hotter in the bedroom, cook healthier more exciting menus, pick up thrilling new hobbies. She treated him better during their affair then she was treating me afterward. But where is my security? I have one on my free resource page. Arent all of you lucky:). The lack of attention you are receiving from your husband could possible be due to his attraction to someone else. If hes unwilling to make any changes, you might have to accept that this is how things are and find ways to occupy your time when hes busy with other things. Often, men show their love through acts of service instead of words. 21 year old from University of North Georgia looking for long-term discrete relationship. Gradually, he's changed, and his hygiene has gotten worse and worse. After my husband and I boarded the plane, I began my ritual of praying . I have only ever really seen him upset/sad once in 13 years. But its good to know that Im not alone in feeling this way. This will give you a sense of self-fulfillment, but it will also make you more attractive to your husband so you wont be worried and constantly think: My husband never wants to do anything with me. When youre content with yourself, youre less likely to demand constant attention, giving him the breathing room he needs. Unique Proposal Ideas To Make Your Partner Say Yes, 21 Signs the Universe Wants You to Be With Someone, What to Do When a Guy Ghosts You: Obvious Red Flag Explained. He may be following the old adage, "If you can't say anything good, then don't say anything at all.". My h was telling me on the weekend how his mistress told him, if I didnt want my children, how she would be so happy to raise them with him. Veiled or overt threats, against you or them. We were trying to understand how they could have gotten to this place and hypothesized what could possibly be going on in their relationships, and why. You deserve it, you seem like a very nice lady. Even if you're not trying to ignore him, busyness can create an emotional barrier. He has outgrown you or never cared in the first place or he is just self absorbed and a loner. I saw something somewhere that research indicates that 65% or more of extramarital affairs can be directly attributed to boredom. More lies to manipulate him, each time something would backfire. This will make him feel valued and appreciated and more likely to want to spend time with you so you wont complain: My husband never wants to do anything with me. You dont have to fake excitement about every little thing, but ask questions and express genuine curiosity about what hes passionate about. He probably lies to his wife all the time telling her he's going to take her places and then never follows through. Yes, you guessed ittheir husbands. I value your opinion so I really appreciate your comments. People value what they invest in as opposed to what they are not invested in.. I am a spontaneous, energetic, social and active person. Yes, it SUCKS the big one and I struggle to deal with the profound disappointment, frustration and anger towards him and I dont like myself anymore because Ive lost respect for him and Im irritable all the time. She wants me to take the lead with planning nights out, hikes, weekend trips, etc. I so understand and feel the same way. If you . Pisses me off too. I think your awesome, full of integrity and heart! However, some people are just habitually negative and don't understand how miserable they are making themselves as well as the . It may seem that way, Rachel, but from what youve said he really isnt in control. Im guilty of this some what, but all cheaters will have asob story regarding why they cheat. Peace of trash she is, I see even more with that comment she made how she wanted my children, as well as my h, I cam only imagine the bad things she told my h to get him on her side with that idea, having him think I was a terrible mother as well as wife. Eg, unfortunately with my h cousin it, she thought it was and when it looked like she could use it she threw herself at him like a bitch on heat. I too am a fun person, and we dont do shi* b/c other half is content doing nothing. Right now some days I just want to crawl under a rock. Learn how your comment data is processed. Trusting that you have been accurate with your wife's words, I'd like to share a quote from Michael Warner's 1999 queer manifesto The Trouble With Normal, which applies to you more than you . I used to have a higher regard for my wedding vows but these scars will unfortunately stay with me and so be it. At the same time, dont neglect your own needs. In this case, try giving him some space and see if that encourages him to come to you more. He either doesn't want to be seen with her or he doesn't want someone else to see him while he is with her. was I the one responsible for what I did? Yes, she says she feels remorse but she is still defensive about what she did. I deserved better. Since monogamy is an ongoing choice, its something that has to be inspired over the long term. Have a sneaking suspicion that your husband is unsatisfied with your marriage? I should have kicked her out immediately and filed for divorce. Say what you will, but there's often quite a bit of truth to jokes. I will NEVER go through this again. 6. Dear sister, yes, these feelings haunt me daily. If she only knew. I agree that, for me, its my commitment to God, first and foremost. He watches TV all day long and plays computer games on his phone. I feel like Im slowly being snuffed out. And really peace for your ex too. Eg Any ideas? 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